Jezebel reported a heartwarming story this week: a man singlehandedly revived an unconscious neighbor to life utilizing only the power of goodwill.
Rodger William Kelly told Utah police he was trying to “warm” his lifeless neighbor by “hugging” her. With his erect penis.
Let’s take a moment.
A 50-year-old man finds his 29-year-old neighbor, unconscious. A woman he once dated. A woman he admitted to police once told him she did not want to be intimate. He finds this woman unconscious. So he rapes her back to life.
Lifeguards across the nation are packing a condom inside their first aid kit.
Dive right in, guys.
For some strange reason, Kelly was not awarded a key to the town and gift basket of assorted vaginai for his heroic deed.
He has instead been charged with first-degree felony rape.